Kauri's BS — Audio Recordings Transcribed

PLAN TO GET ARRESTED AGAIN

I reckon I could get arrested on false charges pretty easily. I’ll orepare for it. I’ll talk to my girlfriend and explain everything. I’ll let Petrin know or just have him on speed dial

I’ll record all the audio. Connect in my AirPods, put one in my pocket, one in my backpack. Figure out how to use them as dual microphones.

I’ll walk past a police officer and discreetly flash the snus. Pop one in my mouth when they see me. Notice them, and freak out, stuff it down my pants, act scared as fuck.

Maybe go for a run first, get all sweaty for them, make them search me.

I think some of the police officers just didn’t know what it was. I don’t know what I’ll say. I’ll just, like, not explain it what it was. Just insult cops and shit. Make it as unpleasant as you can. Make them never even realize what it is. They’ll find what, thirty grams of “cocaine”. Make them think I’ve got serious distribution levels.

They just take you to jail. Go back and sit with Officer Kola again.

Now I’ve got experience. I’m like, a hardened criminal There’s just one flaw with the plan.

This time they might take my fucking organs. By the time the fucking New Zealand Embassy gets word, I’ve got no liver anymore. Transplant in me the heart of some 70 year old chainsmoker. Good trade!

Part 1.m4a

I am the police. Okay? Is there a problem? Yeah. And we talk about it a little bit. And he says, what is in your bag? Yeah. And I was thinking, like, in my bag? Okay. I’ve got my laptop and my phone and my charger and my cables and I’ve got my Toggs because I’m from New Zealand, I just always carry my and like, I’ve got empty bottle of water. Just random shit in my and thinking like, what the fuck are you trying to search me for? Is this legal? And I asked him, Do I have to consent to this? Why are you doing this? Do I have to say yes? And I ask I can’t remember. Anyway, for context, he’s like, standing almost over me. Okay. Yeah. And I can see his friend has come and his friend is, like, standing very nearby. Okay. I don’t want them to touch my shit. Look, I don’t have actually, I wasn’t smiling at all. I’m just like, what the fuck is this? This is my attitude. Yeah, this is bullshit. What are we doing? And like annoyed and angry and a little bit probably non compliant. I’m not happy with this and I don’t know why. The front pocket of my backpack was also unload and pulls out my container. You know what? Smooth? Yeah, of course. But that’s not illegal, right? No, it’s not. Inside the smooth, there’s something else. He’s, like, pulling at the container. They can be difficult for pulling at it. Twisting. Yeah, twisting. Just pop the top open. Okay. And then there’s three empty pouches. And he looks at me. What is this? Smooth? Nicotine. What else? Cocaine. Because there is in the bags. Fucking yeah. They have never seen it before. Okay. You can buy it. Yeah. And this is smooth. This is legal nicotine tobacco. You can buy this. It’s completely legal. Yeah. And he passes it to his buddy. Okay, so more police officers are coming around. Two more police officers kind of join in. So they must have just been working, right? Next. Yeah. And okay, I pull it up on my phone. I pull up first depiction. I’m like, here’s a picture. Wait 1 minute. I go to Google Translator. I pull up a web page in Albanian albanian language that explains what is what is this? And they’re just giving me shit. The officer starts, like, prying. He starts trying the case again. And he’s struggling, and he’s struggling. And he pops it open. Half a gram of marijuana. Fucking jackpoto.

Okay, so then they start really giving really hard time. Yeah, because it’s legal here, but everyone does it really ridiculous. And so where did you buy that? I shut the not saying anything else. I realize I’m probably in trouble. Yeah. You heard. And I’m like thinking this internal monologue, like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, actually, I call my girlfriend and for 26 seconds we’re on the phone, but in this time you can’t understand anything that’s going. Yeah, because the connections aren’t leaving. Yeah, okay. I managed to call her again for a few minutes and okay, I kind of explained to her cocaine. We read a little bit about Albania. I guess everybody knows Albania is like a fucking grew up country. Yeah, they kicked me off my phone. Right. You can’t talk. So my girlfriend Lucy and I think we’re both kind of thinking the same thing. What the fuck is going on? Are these guys the police? Why on earth are they stopping me? I’m literally probably the best dressed person in Tirana. And you’re giving big trouble. Are they actually the police or are they the mafia? Yeah, scammers or scammers. And if they are the police, why the fuck are they arresting me? What, do they want out? Am I supposed to bribe them? How much money do I have to give to €20? €50? Like, I don’t know. Yeah, and they’re trying to fucking extort me, aren’t they? Well, they’re going to take all my shit. Either that or they’re trying to extort me. What is going on out there? Okay, so they take me to the police station. They put me in handcuffs, take me in a police car and take me to the police station. Fucking Christ. Okay, this was at 1145. I hung up in the call with my girlfriend and they took me fucking Christ. 11:45 P.m. Sitting down in the jail. So, for context, it’s like a long hallway, maybe 15 meters long, a couple of meters wide, all white concrete, fucking ugly, like, not even a painting. And they set me down at a desk in the middle of this hallway. One officer on my right, kind of towards the door and me on the left. And then the entire evening, between five and seven officers are kind of floating around. Some of them, I don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Apparently they’re working. And so the story is so far from over, my friend. Okay. So they sent me down and they’re asking me questions, giving me a hard time. And I’m not saying much. I answer some basic questions. I’m just not saying anything about the drugs. I’m telling them about this mess. Actually, we’re talking about the snooze legal. Yeah. Fighting stupid police. Yeah, exactly. No, we have to take it to the left.

You can actually but you can actually see what is madeof in the back of the fucking of the fucking container.You can see what is made of,like fucking stupid fucking hate them. Right?To be fair, it was in a different language. The container.It seems like I’m translatedthis fucking fucking christ.Yeah, whatever.It I call my girlfriend again.They actually let me while they’re all trying to talk tome and the other officers taking down my so I callmy girlfriend and sorry, I call my girlfriend and this timeI think it was like five minutes long.I get to explain the situation.We’re talking like, what do we do?I’ve messaged my sister as well, and anotherfriend, and I tell her that the otherfriend I shouldn’t have even messaged her anyway. I say, like, talk to my sister, talk to her boyfriend.You have to call the empathy inthat case for the lawyer, maybe. Yeah.And I’m like, yeah, you guys will work it out together.

I think you need to call me a lawyer.Yeah, stuff like that.At some point, I actually gift him thephone so she can understand it, and sheasks good questions like, who are you?What’s your name?Where is he?Yeah, stuff like that.Clever girl.Okay.They kicked me off the phone

.The last phone call, that was the last time Ispoke to anybody, and that was at twelve two. Okay.That was 15 minutes after 17 minutesafter I first called my girlfriend.They wouldn’t let me use the phone, so Iput my water bottle on the table and Isaid, can you fill this up to me?No, you can’t drink the water in this building.

I can’t okay.We’re still talking about this is I’mkind of mixing up with times. Exactly. That’s okay.No worries.At some point, he’s reminding me we have to take it to thelab to test it for you have to take this what lab?Like, where are you taking this to?You don’t even have a fucking lab.Like, you don’t even have running water.Come on.You’re going to take this as a laboratory?Come on.Um what else? What else?I can say.

You’ve call your girlfriend?Yes, I call my girlfriend.After that, what else happens?Oh, they search my bag.This is the yeah.So they asked to see inside my bag again to be sure.Start taking out all this junk again.I got nothing else.I’m also very nervous about them touching my stuff becauseI still think they’re trying to steal my shit.So I pull it all out of my bag, like, everythingdown to down to the bottle cap in my bag.I pull out my headphones.I pull out a second pair of headphonesand then the box and then the receipt.I’m like, yeah, look, I went shopping today.Um what else?Oh, yeah, I pull out my I pullout my wallet, not for the first time.I pull out all these tissue papersfrom the front of my bag.I pull out some tissue papers, and thenI pull out more tissue papers, and Ipull out a larger wad of tissue papers.And I say to them, like, yeah, you never know if atoilet in Tizard is going to have toilet paper or not.

That’s oh, man.And then did he let you go? No. Wait.Story is no anime.And one of the officers goes to pick atthe toilet paper and see nothing’s inside it.And I take the toilet paper, like,all over the table for it’s actually.Fine.How tired are you?No, you continue.Put this bitter because I don’t want to damage it.No, I won’t smoke another one.I will sleep here.Okay.So they spread the toilet paper. I think.I just try to think because I havean order and I don’t want to forgetanything else that happened at the police station.

The first police station.Spoiler alert.Well, this is yeah, okay.I can’t think of anything else.So they say, yeah, we have totake you to the next station.You’re going to be there for 20 minutes, andyou’ll meet with the police officer and you discussthis, and you have to sign some documents.20 minutes?Yeah, fuck off. Yeah, right. Yeah.Bullshit.So take me they take me in another policecar for me and have a couple of nights.They take me to jail standing in front of thislarge building and can see the jailer in the distance.And I’m, like, trying to talk tohim, like, hey, this is fucking bullshit.They fucking got me for, like, nothing.Like, what is going on here?I need to speak to my lawyer.I need to use the phone.I need to speak to my lawyer. And I’m giving, like, bro, canpolice I’m just gonna pause this.Wait one moment because. _____________

Part 2.m4a

I should retell that joke for the audio. I don’t remember. I remember where it is. I really like this frame of telling. So part two is titled Jail. So I’ve just met the warden, okay? They take me behind bars.They’ve got my phone, they’ve got myspace, and I’ve got everything else.

Everything’s kind of all mixed through my backpackby now because I’ve been searched twice.Um, and okay, they’re talking, and they hand oversome papers, like the you know how, like, youwrite on paper and there’s one underneath?And what do you call this?I’ll search up what it’s called.They hand in the copies, and he takes me in.

They close a big bar window bar metal door on us.And okay, the warden wants to search me, so standup like this, and he gets in behind me, andthe four officers behind the door are watching.Yeah, you like that?What do you want to find?I’ve got my glasses there.I’ve got my ear pods earbuds in my pocketbecause I was trying to do some sneaky shitwith the audio, but it didn’t work.

Didn’t work out.Um and then he goes to search my bag, searches,and he looks a little bit and then he pullsup my laptop, and he’s like, what the fuck?There’s a laptop in here?

He’s saying, there’s an opening I can understand.And the police, what the fuck?How did he get a laptop in there?You were supposed to have searched him.How did you miss, like, the biggest thing in his bag?You know, because I did it all myself.I did it all myself, okay?When I take out the stuff for my bagfor them to see they’re not touching my bag.

Hide this from he takes it out again, gives it to them.Oh, before this, I forgot to say before, they’d,like, completely they wanted to take my handcuffs off,and they closed the metal door on us already.And I put my hands the officer takes a cuff off, okay?And then he takes the second one.He tries to take the second one off for, like,half a minute while his police officers are standing aroundlike, what the fuck are you doing, bro?Just unlock it.This I can understand as well.

In Albanian.Okay.So he takes me to the same like, aboat, and he takes me to the cell.And then there I meet a couple ofyoung guys, albanians, locals, and they tell me,yeah, these guys are the fucking Mafia.They just do what they want, you know?Um so the the first guy, he waspicked up he was picked up outside hisapartment, right outside his home, okay?And the second guy I can’t remember exactly why.Try this.I don’t know exactly why.I don’t know exactly the context in whichhe was arrested, but he was also forthe same just a little bit of marijuana.

He’s a fucking lawyer, okay?I’m going to be fine.They tell me like, yeah, you’re going to be fine.You’re going to walk out of here in the morning.You’re not even going to get a fine.Yeah, they’re not going to steal your shit.I can relax.Well, this isn’t completely true.

I can’t relax because my girlfriend thinks I’ve beenkidnapped by fucking Mafia guilt, but also just concernfor her because I realized, okay, I’m going tobe in here for a while. This entire time, she’s going to be exactly.And she’s going to be reading and calling and figuring outwhat the fuck is going on until I get out.Until the moment I get out, she’s goingto be working on this, you know?

Oh, I’m really glad I’m recording this audio.This is a beautiful way to describe it.I want to write this stuff.Where are we?

Okay, so meet the guys.We chat. Chat.And the water pokes his head through the door.It’s got a metal grille, like, window. Yes.Sounds like you’ve been in one before.Another story.Okay, yeah.So the water pokes his head around thewindow, and he asked me some question.The lawyer is translating for us.He wants to know, how do you spell my name, stupid?

Yeah.Oh, my God. Sorry.I spell it for him.He can’t really understand me.Give us the pen and paper to thelawyer, and I spell my name for him.K-A-R-U-I.This is spelt wrong switch. Two letters.What a fuck.Not I did the same thing with my last name.But this is ridiculous because the lawyers,they’re, like, writing on the door, andhe’s kind of struggling to understand me.I’m not being so clear in the water.Like, come, come to the office.Sit down facing the door.And the lawyer sits in front of theledger, the entire, like, police jail ledger.And how fucking thick is that book, bro, I told you.And he sits down next to the lawyer, andI tell the lawyer, again, my name wrong.Again my date of birth, wrong.And my dad’s name, like, completely wrong.And then there’s more things thatI don’t need to fill out.I don’t need to tell him.But the warden starts, like, telling him what to write.Warden’s telling the lawyer what to write.It’s a beautiful metaphor.And I asked for some water, and heproduces a small bottle of water for me.And, oh, I will say one thing I forgotat the first police station, they also offered mea bottle of water, but only one.And I ask, how much is the other one?And they say that the Mini Martyrs closed it stupid.So I just had to put.

Do this. So the water produces a small bottle of water for me, and I drink the water, and he offers me a cigarette. Yeah, I think I’m making a mistake. I think he had more trouble getting the water than I recall. Anyway, where are we? He offers us water and cigarettes, and we sit and chat for a little bit, and this time, I take my channel. Okay. And we go and sit in there, and we go and sit in the cell again. There’s nothing but tidying. Good company. So I’m writing, and we’re speaking a lot about all sorts of different topics, but especially the situation in Albania. And they tell me about the historical context. I don’t remember it somewhere, but I wrote it all down. And they remind me they tell me of the following. Wow, I’m struggling with my history. I think if I’m not high, I can recall history. Anyway, recent political history and how it relates to corruption and policing, the judicial system, how it has this today. They say, like, yes, it used to be very visibly corrupt, and now you just can’t see it. What else have we got?

And at some point, they take one of the guys to be processed. Later, they take the other. Not yet. They don’t take the other. Yet. They take one, and we keep shutting, and then there’s a lot of noise and commotion. It’s been quiet, like, the entire time now. There’s a lot of noise and commotion outside, and we kind of stick our heads through and see what’s going on. The lawyer is translating again for me, and he’s listening, and he explains, yeah, this group of twelve illegal immigrants has been detained. So the warden comes, and he calls us into his office, and he comes a he comes there. He can’t have a separate and I understand, okay, he’s taken away taken us away from the Brim because it’s going to be occupied, and I guess he took some liking to us. We chatted with him a lot, and okay, we finished this story about corruption in Albania with the police officer concluding, like, no, I never took bribes in my life. Like, 60 years old. Like, what else? And they take the other the other guy away to be processed. And I ask the officer if that comes. I need to speak to my girlfriend again. This is the first time I’ve seen, like, anybody else official, so I need to speak to my girlfriend. I need this I need to speak to my lawyer. Oh, sorry. I don’t say, I need to speak to my lawyer. Of course not. And no, you can’t use it in front of you. That was at 04:00 A.m.. And the warden lets me, like, sit and write in his office, and we try and communicate with each other. He’s giving me cigarettes, and he gets me water. That privilege cost me €9. Okay. Shall I leave? Good story. There it’s getting late and there’s still a third part. Is the third part it? Yeah, reasonably. We can leave it for tomorrow. No, I put forward and I keep going if you want it.

Part 3.m4a

Just sure.Yeah.So we’re at part three, endinga waste of everybody’s time.Oh, God, take me to the to meet that police officer.And he’s sitting in a room.It he’s got his disc and he’s like, inone corner, there’s a disc in the other corner.The room with a printer on it.Bookshelves over the fuck is this arrangement?Dog bars each other.It’s like so granddaddish.

Okay, fine. I’m not surprised.I’m not surprised, but it’s funny nonetheless.And okay.And they communicate and I hear like, New Zealand.And the guy’s like, nah, next onedon’t even know you’re taking me.Take me to the next room.And guy calls me in.It fucking you from the narcotics development.I’m like, yeah, of course.

Fucking offer the cola.Look at you, bro.I didn’t say that.I didn’t say that.Broad chirp chirping 10:00.Where am I going?Thinks I’ll be kidnapped for the budy love 10 hours.Fuck are you doing?Fucking mega focal. Fuck you.

I asked to charge it.If I can’t fucking send a message, atleast let me fucking charge it because I’mgoing to have to leave anyway.Charge my phone.And as I’m charging, I’m like, fucking andI read my messages from my girlfriend.The New Zealand embassy in Romegot me a fucking lawyer.When I say got me a lawyer, theygave me a name and a number.

Yeah.And I should have fucking called it. No, sorry.It’s because they gave me a list of numbers. Okay?Yeah, sorry.It wasn’t just a name and a number.Because they gave me a list.I’m just like, what the fuck?They don’t even know, you know?Um anyways, asking me questions holdsup and say, what is this?Like, why did you sit it to the fucking lab?You know?Fuck with it.I know what this is.Anybody can find out with aquick Google search what this is.

Fuck your cops accusing me of having cocaine.I don’t ask them this.I don’t ask him this yet because I don’twant to talk about cocaine with my lawyer.And you don’t want to be beaten up. Exactly.It’s like, okay, tell her heals of the marijuana.What is this?I don’t understand.And fuck my license translator.I don’t understand what you’re saying.We don’t need a translator.

Why are you telling me?I waited till like, 10:00 in themorning for a lizard to strange.Where’s my login?5 minutes away.Yeah, 5 minutes.It was like 15.And he takes my passport and he’s liketypically he’s like, what are you doing here?

I don’t understand English.I don’t understand English.It’s eventually the lawyer comes andhe tells me, yeah, it’s fine.The police officer told me the same thing before.Basically it’s so little amounted it doesn’t matter.You just say it’s for personal consumption.Then they can’t do shit.If it’s just for personal consumption anyway.You’re fucking tourists.Like, they don’t really want to then.We’re not trying to get you anyway.What the fuck do you mean?You’re the best dress person in Tirada. Like what?It started recording this.

I’ve got some bangers of I don’t know if they fitin the story that I have to change the once Itake out the swear words, it’s a little bit less funny.I don’t mind swearing, but where am I?You’ll be right, okay.We go back to the go back to the officer.And I complained to him aboutall the issues that I’ve had.He’s quite a serious officer. What the fuck is going on?This is ridiculous.I’m just going to get over fucking stupid.The cops stupid.

They know each other.He doesn’t want to be doing this to you.He just has to follow the perception.Later we discuss, like, why the fuck did your copseven bother picking me up then if they they knowI’m just going to get the go in the morning.What the fuck is the whole point ofthis is a waste of everybody’s time.I’ve got six police officers in the field using halfan hour of their time on average to arrest meand then two to take me to the station.Bloody police car.Two police cars.And when I’m sitting at that table, like zebbing peoplearound me, I’m like, half a gram of weed.And like, in that room, we all knew it’s. Nicotine.That’s the thing.They’re giving me shit.They’re trying to intimidate me.I realized this, like, halfway through.I’m like, bro, they’re just fucking like oh, my God.In the police report.In the police report? Yeah.Suspected, Nicotine.Suspected. Fuck.You 5 minutes away.Fucking fucking suspected.Coffee?Yeah, okay.With my lawyer, I start to answer some questions.I’m going to dentist, bro.Of course I want to smoke some weed.You just legalized, like, medicinalmarijuana and your government’s like.

Prints. Like, I don’t know. There’s major talk about overhauling making it legal. Lost my train of thought. He eventually prints out, like, the kicks back, and he prints out, like, 18 pages of documentation. I’m like what? The printer is so slow and noisy. We literally order a coffee. We get the coffee before the printer’s done. Anyway, 18 pages on each page, the first two, and, like, the header, the first two paragraphs, like, identical, except sometimes it’s, like, formatting differences. Why the fuck are you putting so much paper? Why don’t you just follow them all along? Each one’s like, oh, I have to accept all these different anyway. They make me accept all this different shit. I refuse to accept. I accept like, okay, I’ll give you my what do I have to accept? I’ll give you my sorry, lost my train of thought. What was I talking about? Printer 18 pages of the ad. Okay? So I don’t sign one of them. This one, I sign that. They can test my piss in the content. And the lawyers like, even if you come back positive, fuck, you know, they can’t do shit. What is the point of this? I sign this. I sign this. I refuse to take a Pacific Cup. I just write reviews on it. They still make me take a Pacific up, right? And I don’t care. I’m happy to take a Pacific and I piss in it. And I flipped to the premise. I mean, I tightened up tight, wash hands, because I put some and I walk outside holding a plastic bag for me to put it in and hold it up, put it on the ground and start shaking my head. Bro, the the police officer that was, like, taking my details. I never saw him smile, and he was laughing his ass off. He gave me his phone number. Call me about anything. It doesn’t have to be related to the case. Coming back to wasting all the police officers time. How many police officers I’m wasting everybody’s time. Like, your police officer arrested knows that nothing is going to happen to me. It’s just a little weed. Why they why are they bothering to arrest me? If they find weed on you, they have to arrest you. This is the procedure, right? What? Just change fucking procedure then. What are you doing? All you have to do is change two words. Make it a 50 year fine or something. Um, and yes, there’s so many police officers around at each stage, and then now I’m wasting these police officers time.

I’m not paying this fucking lawyer. What did you do? You just told me to do exactly what the police told me to do. That I would have done if I was by myself. Anyway, bro, obviously I can understand this makes perfectly reasonable sense. I probably want to see a bit of proof, but if I can just say it for personal use. Okay? Fuck. I don’t fucking need a lawyer to tell me this. I draw my lawyer, ask him everything, but he’s not getting paid. I don’t know how he gets paid. So I understand he doesn’t want to be there any longer. But, I mean, he was nice. He was nice and answered my question. Yeah. The police have to follow them because women going through these papers this is so stupid. And he tells me I lost my train of thought. Anyway, so the lawyer, we went out for coffee afterwards and coming back to waste of everybody time, they have to send these 18 pages. Every page is the half the same to the prosecution office. Somebody has to read that shit. Your police officers accusing me of cocaine in addition, what the fuck, bro? And then on my side, whatever, it’s fine, but I impact other people. My girlfriend for 10 hours thinks I’m kidnapped and she’s called the New Zealand emphasis rope. I told you this already, didn’t I? Okay, sorry. And got emails from the embassy. So they’ve spent time in this as well. And they’re, like, all of us tried to contact the police, the jail cell, you’re in the headquarters and nobody picked up. And they all were trying again and again. Bro, you felt like, all these police and nobody can pick up. A seriously? Seriously? Um, yeah. So my sister wasted a time. My embassy wasted time. Other people, my sister and girlfriend, both of us, actually. My sister fell asleep right before she ignored my messages. And then her phone went on. Do not disturb. And then with a gap of, like, three minutes, I checked all the books. Her phone went on. Do not disturb. And I called her and she just didn’t, like doesn’t hear anything. Hey, how are you? So head. Do not disturb. Fucked up. Fucked her because I played mini grudge. She wasn’t there for my girlfriend seven or 8 hours. My girlfriend was alone. I was alone, but I knew I was going to be fine. She didn’t know this. They didn’t communicate. Shit. She can’t call the police. Of course she’s going to tear up. And then Albania. And she’s, like, talking to people. She gets in contact with different Albanian people. She gets in contact with one Albanian. My sister boyfriend gets in contact with somebody from Montenegro. Kind of explained. Yeah, it was, like kind of helped out and helped made them assured, didn’t it? It’s probably fine. Yeah. So, yeah, it’s a big fucking waste of time. It’s such a waste of resources. What half a gram of weed but half a joint? Women like threat.

Your bleed up having to pay anything much. No, I didn’t pay anything. I thought I was going to get fine. Yeah, that’s the thing. It’s not even a fine. You wasted probably hundreds of dollars in, like, man hours for this. Why don’t they when they just put a winning Euro fight? I tried to break so many dice. It’s a win win for everyone. You guys save time, you save money.

That’s the problem with corruption is sometimes it’s effective and you got broken systems can be a necessary tool. Nice experience.

You can tell your grandkids I enjoyed it. Yeah, good fun. You can say you got arrested in Albania, you spent tonight in Albanian jail cell.

There’s no good way to shorten that story, really. It’s all the details. That inner ada, the intricacies of the Albanian police department inner workings.

When are you going to tell your parents this? Probably I’m going to publish it. I’ve got a lot of working drafts that I just need to flesh out. Then I can actually put together semi funny blog.

I’ll just backdate it. I don’t know. Is that like, internet ethically acceptable? According to the internet to backdate stuff, to just say it was published like six months ago if it wasn’t? Because I’ve finished the story six months ago.

And that’s to me what’s important. I just don’t have a place to publish it, you know? Yeah. All it takes is a Google search. They’re not going to fuck with you at the airport. They might give you a little bit of a hard time, but in theory it’s possible, right?

Theory it’s possible. The officer sees he doesn’t like it and the two officers around him like, yeah, fuck this guy. Like we racially profiled. Exactly. Like, I’m like, I mean, it’s only two. I’m not I don’t even want throw in bombs. Be like, I’m going to take it home. Be like, fuck you guys. What are you going to do about it? Two pouches of tobacco. Can you not buy it there or it’s just cheaper. What do you mean? You’re bringing it home? Why? To Australia? Because yeah, it’s illegal. Okay, yeah, that’s stupid. That doesn’t really like, Sweden’s got one of the lowest smoking rates in the world because they just sold these. They banned vaping as well. Selling vapes and whatnot. You can buy a pack of sigs for like, $50, but anything else like that is illegal. So, like, you’re just forcing people the thing is, they have nicotine gum in the pharmacy. Nicotine gum for probably free $5.03. Yeah, but shall we at least the like the tobacco free? That and nicotine pouch that has like this I don’t know how these laws get passed. Illegal to selling like, everywhere in the EU. Except it’s not true. I’ve ordered in Montana. Sweden’s the only one I know. Germany’s kind of fluctuated with its laws. Yeah, Sweden’s the only country. Seriously? Yeah. No, I bought it in Croatia. Wait. Did I seriously? How didn’t I buy it in Croatia? Trying to calculate now. Then I must have bought it in Hungary. Or I mustn’t I didn’t buy it in Hungary. I couldn’t have sworn the same when I bought it somewhere. All that to say, credible evidence that you’re wrong. My apologies.

No, it

They didn’t even take a picture of my passport. The fuck don’t even know who you are anymore. They just wrote it all down on the paper. The water couldn’t read it. He called in one of my mates from the jail cell, the lawyer, to help to write down the name, called us into his office, like Karuibock. And I spelled wrong, like, just.

Wrong. Like, just a little wrong way. I don’t think you’ll find me with that name. Really? I know this doesn’t matter. This is just a literate job. Doesn’t matter. They’ve already gone and given my date of birth wrong. My dad’s name wrong. Just, like, slightly wrong. My dad’s name. I just make up. I never told them. They asked me. I’m like no, I’m not telling you. Anyway, what was I talking about before? The water?

Parts 1&2.m4a

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Okay. The day I rode with, like, a diplomat from the Netherlands who’s working in Serbia to improve the rule of law in the west Balkans. And he’s told me about the West Balkans in general, about history and about Albania as well. He was told me about the corruption in the judiciary system. And this is one of the big problems these countries have. And he tells me about the police and how historically they’ve been corrupted, involved in extortion and bribery and tell me something I don’t know. Yeah, and like, organ trades, I’m like, Yo, dude, the police were involved in the organ trade. I’m shitting myself. What the fuck? I’m just sitting here, right? But okay, I don’t want them to search my bag, but I start to take some things out. I don’t have shit. I obviously have shit, but I take out, like, look, I’ve got my tote bag, I’ve got my shorts, I’ve got my water bottle, my water bottle. I’ve got this half can of Pringles. I give it to him and he pours it on the ground like, what the fuck? I take out this stuff from the main compartment of my bag and just like, random junk. And somehow the front hi, mate. Somehow the front pocket of my bag was open. I don’t remember why, but he just picks it up, my Snoop’s container, and I’m like, fuck, I wasn’t going to take this out for him. Fuck, I was high at the time, but I don’t think it okay. I was more paranoid, but I don’t think they knew I was high. He takes my snakes container and he starts, like, pulling at it, twisting at it. This fucker can’t open it, doesn’t know how to open it. Looking at him like, bro, this is snooze Nicotine. Legal. You can see the package and he just can’t open it. You have to pry. He’s like this big, muscular dude, like, hard, tough case. He’s working the streets of Tirada and he can’t open the snooze. So I take it off and I’m like, look. And I just popped the top flap open. I should have struggled and made it really hard to pop the top flap. But I pop it open and there’s sitting three empty pouches of snooze. And he looks at it and I’m like, look, snoots legal, Nicotine. He’s like cocaine. Okay. I’m like, bro, I don’t know. What are you on? Some more officers start to arrive and they start passing it around and I can’t understand anything, but they’re talking to each other like, go gain, go gain. So I explained to him, like, look, this is legal nicotine, and you can buy this in the stores in Tirana. And I explain a little bit about the product. We have to take this to the lab to test it. So I pull up on my phone pictures of this, and I go to Google Translate and I find a website that explains what this is in Albania and it explains it’s legal in Albania. And go, game. We have to take this to the he closes it’s like he completely forgot about it. But he closes the lid, they pick it open and the white powder falls out because this is what smooth is. It’s the white powder and little sachets, like a tea bag. Why would you ever put it in a Sasha? And he starts prying and he starts pulling and twisting again. And he finally, like, tears it open later in the police station, like, when I saw this loose container, it had been, like, half destroyed because they could I guess they had trouble opening it again, you know? Um and then there’s, like, my marijuana fucking jackpot half a grab and okay, now I shut the fuck up. Asking me a question. Where did you buy this? Who did you get that? You get this here in Tirana? I don’t say shit. What are you doing here? I don’t say shit. I think at some point, okay, so I call my girlfriend and I’m like, what the fuck is going on? They let me on the phone for like, 20 seconds and there’s like a mumble, what the fuck? I send her some freaked out messages. First I need mum, dad, lawyer. What the fuck is going on? I need Dom. My sister’s boyfriend is from Greece. So I thought maybe if I messaged my sister as well this fucking girl. This fucking girl. She hears my messages and then her phone goes on. Do not disturb. And then I call her. So she’s fast asleep. She’s fast asleep during this entire ordeal. So my girlfriend’s there my girlfriend calls me back. She’s like, hey, what is going on? They let me on the phone for, like, 20 seconds and it’s like mumbled Chumble. Okay, I get another few minutes. I get another minute on the phone, but it’s chaos and she doesn’t know what’s going on, really. And both of us are thinking like, dude, how fucking corrupt is this shit? Wait, I read you my internal monologue. I’m going to pull it up because I’ve written it quite nicely. Okay? So my internal monologue what am I supposed to do? Bribe these guys? How much do I bribe them? 20 euro census, 50 euro. $200. That’s a lot of money. Shit. I might have told them I’m in Tirana to see the dentist. I’m sure it’s way too nicely. They think you have money. This is going to turn into an extortion case, isn’t it? At least it’s not the Mafia, right? Why did you decide to wear your only shirt today? Why did you come here with all your volleyballs? You’ve been working on your laptop all day and you were just on the phone with your girlfriend lucia. Lucia. Lucia. Lucia and my sister Jade both received a flurry of crystals. They kicked me off the phone with my girlfriend, okay? They take me to the police. They put me in cuffs. I’m still wearing my bag on my front. And they put me in cuffs. I don’t want them to touch my shit, right? They take me to the police station and they uncuff me. Sit me down at a desk in a rather empty hallway. Middle of a hallway. I sit down here’s. The hallway here’s the desk. The doors over there, I can see. They sit me at the desk. Here another officer here, officers standing all around. The officer here is filling out some paperwork. And the officer here is questioning me. And the officers there, one of them is the one that arrested me. Or that who approached me, giving me shit. Cocaine. Cocaine. Marijuana. Have to send it to the left. Okay? In one corner, there’s a security camera. I’m like. Is that on? Yeah, it’s on. It’s on. Security camera. Fuck off. It’s not on. It’s not moving. It’s one of these, like, silver. It’s never moved. I never see it move. It I don’t see a red light. This isn’t fucking on. Fuck you. I put my water bottle on the table. I need some water. No, you can’t drink the water in this. Okay, where are we? And they’re asking me questions. And I don’t say shit anymore. Saying, okay, this is legal machine. I don’t know what the fuck this is. Trying to think what else happens.

Where are we? And they ask me questions and I don’t say shit anymore. This is legal thing. This one. I call Mr. Illiterate because he’s so slow at writing. So slow. The one asking me questions, call him Officer 13565 because he won’t tell me his name. Oh, yes. Okay. So I’m sitting down there asking some questions, and I call my girlfriend again. The first time I called my girlfriend was at 1145 in the park. The last time I called anybody, my girlfriend at twelve 02:00 a.m.. And this phone call lasts six minutes. And we only talk three of them. This time we’re properly able to discuss what’s going on. Is she in New Zealand or is she in Toronto? San Francisco, actually. Kind of. My memory is saying that she spoke to the officer at like, ten. She’s giving me a full description. She talked to one of the police officers. This is police station number three. We’re going to send it to the lab to test it for cocaine. He has marijuana. He’s going to jail. And then we end up hanging up. Give me a fucking lawyer. And the police officer’s like, you bring me a lawyer here at this time, no lawyer coming. Fucking hell. Get in contact with my sister, with her boyfriend. Jesus Christ. Mr. Illiterate slowly fills out. He takes a break and offers me his finger. He asked me the OD question. I refuse to tell him. My father by now I’m thinking, we all know this. I realize I only care about marijuana and they’re using cocaine. My son is going nuts on the cane. They won’t let me. They also search my bag again. They also search my bag again. Wait, is it too far in? Can you fill me in? Like really? Yeah, I’ll fill you in really quickly. So I was out at the open Air concert, relaxing on a plastic couch, writing in maternal pick me up. Whoa. Okay. Interesting. We need to search your back. And I pull the shit out and he picks out you know what Snooze is, right? Yeah. And he can’t open it, so I pop it open for him. Top flat. They say it’s cocaine. And then they pass it around. Cocaine. Cocaine. We have to test it in the lab work or something. Call my girlfriend 11.58, freaking out. Finally opens it to find half a gram. No. So now we’re in the police station and I’m not answering questions. Is this in Albania? Yeah. They’re starting to clamp down. And we’re at the point they’re asking to touch my package. Start pulling out of my items, out of my bag. Dictating. This is my shorts. This is my headbreaks. This is a box of headphones I bought today. Here’s the receipt. Want to see? Here’s my shopping. Pull out everything down to the bottle cap, the shell, the tissue paper. I pull out more and more tissue paper. You never know when there’s going to be a fucking when. The toilet is not going to have to when there’s going to be toilet paper here in TV right now. You don’t have any hair. Wonder how you look. White. Smells like shit in here. Paul, they don’t have any toilet paper in this building. They shit in a plastic hole in the ground. Yeah, and Muscle Man, I call him Episode, suspiciously picked out a clump of toilet paper on the desk. I spread it all over the desk. You want to see the fucking toilet paper? Half an hour of doing that, somebody hands me a 300 mil bottle. And I doubt more. I’m thirsty. You’re arresting me for drugs? I might be on drugs. I’m thirsty. I already tried to get water from no, there’s no potable water in this filter. They get me how much? How much for another one? The bug and okay, so Officer 13565, the one who put cuffs on me, he asked me again, where did you get it from? And I tell her. Tells him? What do you mean? I told you already. This is legal, Nicotine. You can buy this with the tobacco. He’s asking about the marijuana. You must be the only policeman in the world stupid enough to think this is cocaine. Tell him. What do you mean you’re sending this off to the lab? Sending it to the lab? You don’t have a lab. You don’t even have running water. We’ve got to send it. Where did you buy the marijuana? I don’t know what you’re talking about. What is your father’s name? Why won’t you tell us? I know it doesn’t matter just for your report, but I don’t feel like telling me until you give me back my phone. They said, who is your father? They need to know. I start packing my bag and I’ve expressed them I’m uncomfortable with them touching my shit once it’s on the table, but I don’t want you to touch it. I still don’t know. I’m still worried they’re going to jack all my shit. Why am I here for half a gram? This is ridiculous. So what do you want from me? Thinking, are they going to fucking install me? I think even the police, they have a nickname in Albania. They call the police the Mafia. And my girlfriend, the last time I called her, I got picked up. I called her at 1145 in the park. Last time I talked to her, twelve, 02:00 a.m. So the entire time, she’s no idea what’s going they don’t let me use the phone ever again. Um okay, so they moved me to the they moved me to the police headquarters and they tell me, oh, yeah, you’re going to see your lawyer, you’re going to see a police officer. You’ll be out of here in an hour. Yeah, fuck you. What are you order an hour? Fuck off. I know this is bullshit. They introduced me to the jail warden. He doesn’t speak any English, and they close the bars on us. They’ve got my phone and they’ve got my and they continue to chat and hand the warden a copy of the police report. I remind them again, I need to use the phone. I need to call my lawyer. I need to call my embassy. I need to call my girlfriend. She’s worried that you are the mafia. It. It. So the police officer’s partner who they took me in the police car. I put my hands back through the bars, and he starts undoing my shackles. That he can’t do. It the.

Trying to think what else is oh yeah. This one I call Mr. Illiterate because he’s so slow at writing. So slow. The one asking the questions full of officer 13565 because he won’t tell me his name. It’s his bad. Oh, yes. Okay. So I’m sitting down there asking some questions, and I call my girlfriend again. The first time I called my girlfriend was at 1145 in the park. The last time I called anybody, my girlfriend at twelve 02:00 a.m.. And this phone call lasts six minutes. And we only talk for three of them. This time we’re properly able to discuss what’s going on. Is she in New Zealand or is she in Toronto? San Francisco, actually. I’ll probably this time we’re properly able to discuss what’s going she kind of my memory is saying that she spoke to the officer at, like, ten chaotic. She’s giving me a full description. She talks to one of the police officers. This is police station number three. We’re going to send it to the lab to test it for coca. Cocaine. He has marijuana. He’s going to jail. And then we end up hanging up. Get me a fucking lawyer. Yeah, you bring me a lawyer here at this time, no lawyer coming. Fucking hell. Get in contact with my sister with a boyfriend. Jesus Christ. Mr. Illiterate slowly fills out the police. He takes a break and offers me his cigarette. He asked me the OD question. I refuse to tell him. My father by now I’m thinking, we all know that. I realize I only care about marijuana and they’re using cocaine. My son is going nuts on this cane. They won’t let me. They also search my bag again. They also search my bag again. Wait, is it too far in? Can you fill me in? Like really? Yeah, I’ll fill you in really quickly. So I was out at the open air concert, relaxing on a plastic couch, writing in maternal pick me up. Whoa. Okay. Interesting. We need to search your back. And I pulled the shit out, and he picks out you know what Snooze is, right? Yeah. And he can’t open it, so I pop it open for him. Top flat says cocaine. They say it’s cocaine. And then they pass it around. Cocaine. Cocaine. We have to test it in the lab work or something. Call my girlfriend. 11.58, freaking out, finally opens it to find half a gram of no. So now we’re in the police station and I’m not answering questions. Is this in Albania? Yes. They’re starting to clamp down. And we’re at the point they’re asking to touch my back again. Start pulling out of my items, out of my back. Dictating. This is my shorts. This is my head. This is a box of headphones I bought today. Here’s the receipt. You want to see? Here’s my shopping. Pull up everything down to the bottle cap, the shell, the tissue paper. I pull out more and more tissue paper. You never know when there’s going to be a fucking when. When the toilet is not going to have to know when there’s going to be toilet paper. You don’t have any hair. Wonder how you look white. Smells like shit in here. Paul’s, you fucker. They don’t have any toilet paper in this building. They shit in a plastic hole in the ground. Yeah, and muscle man, I call him the police officer who stopped me suspiciously suspiciously picked out a quantum toilet paper on the desk. I spread it all over the desk. You want to see the fucking toilet paper? Half an hour of being there, somebody hands me a 300 mil bottle. And I doubt more. I’m thirsty. You’re arresting me for drugs? I might be on drugs. I’m so I already tried to get water from no, there’s no potable water in this building. How much? How much for another one? The bug and okay, so officer 13565, the one who put cuffs on me, he asked me again, where did you get it from? And I tell her. Tells him what do you mean? I told you already. This is legal nicotine. You can buy this in the tobacco. He’s asking about the marijuana. I tell the muscle man, you must be the only policeman in the world stupid enough to think this is cocaine. Tell him. What do you mean you’re sending this off to the lab? Sending it to the lab? You don’t have a lab. You don’t even have running water. We’ve got to send it. Where did you buy the marijuana? I don’t know what you talked about. What is your father’s name? Why won’t you tell us? I know it doesn’t matter just for your report, but I don’t feel like telling me until you give me back my phone. They said, who is your father? They need to know. I start packing my bag and I’ve expressed them. I’m uncomfortable touching my shit once it’s on the table, but I don’t want you to touch it. I still don’t know. I’m still worried they’re going to jack all my shit. Why am I here for half a grand? This is ridiculous. So what do you want from me? Thinking? Are they going to fucking insult me? Are these even the police? They have a nickname in Albania. They call the police the Mafia. And my girlfriend, the last time I called her, I got picked up. I called her at 1145 in the park. Last time I talked to her, twelve 02:00 a.m. So the entire time, she’s no idea what’s going on. They don’t let me use the phone ever again. Um okay, so they moved me to the they moved me to the police headquarters and they they tell me, oh, yeah, you’re gonna see your lawyer. You’re going to see a police officer. You’ll be out of here in an hour. Yeah, fuck you. What do you order an hour? Fuck off. I know this is bullshit. They introduced me to the jail warden. He doesn’t speak any English. And they close the files on us. They’ve got my phone, and they’ve got my and they continue to chat and hand the warden a copy of the police report. I remind them again, I need to use the phone. I need to call my lawyer. I need to call my embassy. I need to call my girlfriend. She’s worried that you are the mafia. So the police officer’s partner who they took me in the police car. I put my hands back through the bars, and he starts undoing my shackles that he can’t up to it, police around. And she’s like, what the fuck is this? What I’m propsing up against like this. He starts batting me down against the wall like this, with four police officers watching. And he’s, like, patting me down, like, what do you want? You want my glasses? I don’t have anything. And then he searches my bag, and he rummages around a little bit. He pulls out my laptop. He’s like, what the fuck? You’ve got a laptop this closed this smuggling it. And he starts yelling at the officers behind the bars, what the fuck? And they opened it up, and there’s a laptop. And they’re just embarrassed, like, quiet. And I wink. Get this. And they take my laptop.

Cocaine. My son is going nuts on this camera. A friend calls, another friend calls. They won’t let me. They also search my bag again. They also search my bag again. Wait, is it too far in? Can you fill me in? Like, really? Yeah, I’ll fill you in really quickly. So I’ve been I was out at the open Air concert, relaxing on a plastic couch, writing in maternal pick me up. Whoa. Okay, interesting. We need to search your back. And I pull the shit out and he picks out you know what Snooze is, right? Yeah. And he can’t open it, so I pop it open for him. Top flat says, cocaine. They say it’s cocaine. And then they pass it around. Cocaine. Cocaine. We have to test it in the lab work or something. Call my girlfriend, 11.58, freaking out, finally opens it to find half a gram of no. So now we’re in the police station, and I’m not answering questions. Is this in Albania? Oh, it’s in Toronto. Yeah. They’re starting to clamp down, and we’re at the point they’re asking to touch pulling out of my items, out of my back. Dictating. This is my shorts. This is my headbreaks. This is a box of headphones I bought today. Here’s the receipt. You want to see? Here’s my shopping. Pull up everything down to the bottle cap, the shell, the tissue paper. I pull out more and more tissue paper. You never know when there’s going to be a fucking when. The toilet is not going to have to know when there’s going to be toilet paper. You don’t have any hair. Wonder how you look white. Smells like shit in here. Paul’s, you fucker. They don’t have any toilet paper in this building. They shit in a plastic hole in the ground. Yeah, and Muscle Man, I call him the police officer stopped me suspiciously. Picked out a quantum toilet paper on the desk. I spread it all over the desk. You want to see the fucking toilet paper? Half an hour of doing that, somebody hands me a 300 mil bottle. And I doubt more. I’m thirsty. You’re arresting me for drugs? I might be on drugs. I’m thirsty. I already tried to get water from my nose. There’s no potable water in this filter. How much for another one? Another pretty much the bug. And okay, so Officer 13565, the one who put cuffs on me, he asked me again, Where did you get it from? And I tell her, what do you mean? I told you already. This is legal, nicotine. You can buy this with the tobacco. He’s asking about the marijuana. I tell the Muscle Man, you must be the only policeman in the world stupid enough to think this is cocaine. Tell him. What do you mean you’re sending this off to the lab? Sending it to the lab? You don’t have a lab. You don’t even have running water. We’ve got to send it where did you buy the marijuana? I don’t know what you talked about. What is your father’s name? Why won’t you tell us? I know it doesn’t matter just for your report, but I don’t feel like telling me until you give me back my phone. They said, who is your father? They need to know who’s your father? I start packing my bag, and I’ve expressed them. I’m uncomfortable touching my shit once it’s on the table, but I don’t want you to touch it. I still don’t know. I’m still worried they’re going to jack all my shit. Why am I here? What, half a grand? This is ridiculous. So what do you want from me? Thinking, are they going to fucking install me? I think even the police, they have a nickname in Albania. They call the police the Mafia. And my girlfriend, the last time I called her, I got picked up. I called her 1145 in the park. Last time I talked to her, twelve 02:00 a.m. So the entire time, she’s no idea what’s going on. They don’t let me use the phone ever again. Um okay. So they moved me to the they moved me to the police headquarters. And they they tell me, oh, yeah, you’re gonna see your lawyer. You’re going to see a police officer. You’ll be out of here in an hour. Yeah, fuck you. What do you order an hour? Fuck off. I know this is bullshit. They introduced me to the jail warden. He doesn’t speak any English. And they close the bars on us. They’ve got my phone and they’ve got my and they continue to chat and hand the warden a copy of the police report. I remind them again, I need to use the phone. I need to call my lawyer. I need to call my embassy. I need to call my girlfriend. She’s worried that you are the map. So the police officer’s partner who they took me in the police car. I put my hands back through the bars, and he starts undoing my shackles that he can’t up to it, police around. And she’s like, what the fuck is this? What? I props it up against the wall like this. He starts patting me down against the wall like this, with four police officers watching. And he’s like patting me down like, what do you want? You want my glasses? I don’t have anything. And then he searches my bag. He rummages around a little bit. He pulls out my laptop. He’s like, what the fuck? You’ve got a laptop this close this, smuggling it. And he starts yelling at the officers behind the bars, what the fuck? And they opened it up, and there’s a laptop. And they’re just embarrassed, like, quiet. And I wink at this, and they take my laptop as now I’m in jail. Part two jail. The warden takes me backpack to this office and puts me in a jail cell here. I make a couple of young guys, like, smiling. What did they get you for? Okay, so these guys, we exchange stories. These guys are just fucking up here. They just these guys have both been picked up, like, right outside of the park. He’s walking inside, and the other one I can’t remember exactly. Fucking I’ll get it. I’m technically off shift, though. Is it? I don’t know. Technically not on shift anymore. Hi, guys. They’re the big guys. Oh. They do it themselves. Okay. See? Sorry. And they tell me everything’s going to be fine. Like, you’re going to get your stuff back. You’re scared to do anything. You’re just going to walk out there. What is the point of all of this? Okay. Now I’m comfortable. Now I know I’m going to be bothers me at this point. My girlfriend has no idea. Yeah, of course. Apparently there’s a sign, or um, no, I think they just do it themselves. To be honest. That’s what’s always happened. Need to get in touch with a girlfriend. Need to get in touch with a girlfriend. Yeah, the jail cops have hit around the corner. Sorry. They need to pay. I’ve no, I’ve no, we have no.

Touching my shit once it’s on the table, but I don’t want you to touch it. I still don’t know. I’m still worried they’re going to jack all my shit. I’m like, Why am I here for half a grand? This is ridiculous. So what do you want from me? Thinking, are they going to fucking install me? Are these even the police? They have a nickname in Albania here. They call the police the Mafia. And my girlfriend, the last time I called her, I got picked up. I called her at 1145 in the park. Last time I talked to her, twelve 02:00 A.m.. So the entire time, she’s no idea what’s going on. They don’t let me use the phone ever again. Um okay. So they move me to the they move me to the police headquarters. And they they tell me, oh, yeah, you’re gonna see your lawyer. You’re going to see a police officer. You’ll be out of here in an hour. Yeah, fuck you. What are you on an hour? Fuck off. I know this is bullshit. They introduced me to the jail warden. He doesn’t speak any English. And they close the bars on us. And they’ve got my phone, and they’ve got my and they continue to chat and hand the warden a copy of the police report. I remind them again, I need to use the phone. I need to call my lawyer. I need to call my embassy. I need to call my girlfriend. She’s worried that you are the malpa. So the police officer’s partner, who they took me in the police car, I put my hands back through the bars, and he starts undoing my shackles that he can’t do it, police around. And she’s like, what the fuck is it? Props it up against like this. He starts patting me down against the wall like this, with four police officers watching. And he’s, like, patting me down like, what do you want? You want my glasses? I don’t have anything. And then he searches my bag. He rummages around a little bit. He pulls out my laptop. He’s like, what the fuck? You’ve got a laptop this closed this, smuggling it. And he starts yelling at the officers behind the bars, what the fuck? And they opened it up, and there’s a laptop. And they’re just embarrassed, like, quiet. And I wink at this, and they take my laptop. My laptop is now I’m in jail. Part two jail. The warden takes me back back to his office and puts me in a chair on. So there I meet a couple of young guys and smiling. What did they get you for? Okay, so these guys, we exchange stories. These guys are just fucking up here. They just these guys have both been picked up. One, like, right outside of the park. He’s walking inside, and the other one, I can’t remember. Fucking I get it. I’m technically off shift, though. Was it? I don’t know. Technically, not on shift anymore. Hi, guys. They’re the beer guys. Oh. They do it themselves. Sorry. And they tell me everything’s going to be fine. Like you’re going to get your stuff back, you’re scared to do anything. You’re just going to walk out there. What is the point of all of this? Okay. Now I’m comfortable. Now I know I’m going to be fine. Only thing that bothers me at this point, my girlfriend has no idea. Yeah, of course. Apparently. No. I think they just do it themselves. To be honest, that’s what’s always happened. Need to get in touch with a girlfriend. Need to get in touch with a girlfriend. Yeah, the jail cops have hit around the corner. Are you asking me to pay? Sorry. They need to pay. We have no. _________